Colmanara 
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Iesūtīts:
2010.02.11 12:59:29
mazliet nošpikota tēma, bet tomēr... Varbūt Jūs esat dzirdējuši kādas kristīgas anekdotes un varētu padalīties (mums alfistiem noderētu  ) |
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jā jā [95.68.43.108] |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.15 22:44:45
Un vēl divi ar svecēm un viens ar vīraka ķoci, lai procesija būtu pilnīga, ja neskaita kādu, kam tie citi jāuzrauga. 
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Aivars  |
# Labojis Aivars: 2010.02.15 23:34:14
No tautisko joku pūra.
Reiz taisnprātīgs mācītājs, kas mīlējis apciemot draudzes locekļus īpaši nebrīdinot, klauvējis pie kādām durvīm, kas tā arī netika atvērtas, lai gan nojausma sacīja, ka tur iekšā kāds ir. Krietnajam mācītājam nebija divu domu, ka te ir izveicams viens audzināšanas pasākums, un savā pastorālā gudrībā viņš ņēma baltu lapu, uz kuras uzrakstīja "Atklāsmes Grāmata 3:20". Ar padarīta darba apziņu, viņš nokratīja putekļus no kājām un devās tālāk, jau apcerēdams, kas nākamā svētdienā draudzei būtu jāsadzird no kanceles. Vēl nebija ausis svētdienas rīts, kad krietnais mācītājs savā pastkastē atrada līdzīgi salocītu papīra lapu, uz kuras trekniem burtiem bija rakstīts `1. Mozus 3:10".
Tik daudz par notikumiem uz vietām.
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Sieviete  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.16 10:43:07
Aivars Varēji tak iekopēt! 
20 Redzi, Es stāvu durvju priekšā un klaudzinu. Ja kas dzird Manu balsi un durvis atdara, Es ieiešu pie viņa un turēšu ar viņu mielastu, un viņš ar Mani.
10 Tas atbildēja: "Es dzirdēju Tavu balsi dārzā, un mani pārņēma bailes, jo es esmu kails, un es paslēpos." |
Aivars |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.16 12:51:29
Sieviete
Tas pieder pie šīs anekdotes `kristīgās` programmas - iedvesmot lasīt Sv. Rakstus. |
sica . [78.84.147.219] |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.16 15:29:30
iet teologs gar baznīcu, kur harizmatiska draudze slavē Dievu. viņš ieiet iekšā prasa, par ko tad jūs tā priecājaties, šie saka - par to, ka Dievs izveda Izrēla bērnus pāri Sarkanajai jūrais Šis piesakās uz vārdu un paskaidro, ka tik traki jau nebija, tā bija nevis Saraknā, bet Niedru jūra un tur ūdens seklākajā vietā līdz potītēm...
entuziasms momentā noplok, šis priecīgs, ka apgaismojis kristiešus dodas projām. te dzird, ka visi vēl skaļāk sāk slavēt, citi krīt ekstāzē. Šis griežas atpakaļ, prasa, kas par lietu, viņam paskaidro
- Mēs slavējam Dievu par to, ka viņš tajā seklajā ūdenī noslīcināja visu faraona armiju |
Rudens rozes balss  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.16 15:33:10
Bērniņš prasa Svētdienas skolas skolotājai:
- Vai taisnība, ka Israēla bērni pārgāja jūrai?
- Taisnība.
- Vai taisnība, ka Israēla bērni sakāva visas naidīgās tautas?
- Taisnība.
- Bet ko tad tai laikā darīja pieaugušie? |
Merlins  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.17 10:39:11
No angļu ģimenes dzīves.
Māmiņa ievēro, ka meitiņa savu lācīti sauc par Gladly. Viņa jautā, kādēļ tāds vārds.
"Tādēļ, ka viņš šķielē (he is cross-eyed)", meitiņa saka.
"Nu un tad?", māmiņa jautā?
Meitiņa atbild: "Nu mēs taču baznīcā dziedam - Gladly the cross I`d bear" (Ar prieku es nestu krustu) |
Aivars |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.18 08:43:52
Atvainojos par `palagu`, ko nav īsti laika tulkot, bet īsi pārstāstīt arī nevar.
Angļu valodas nepratējiem - tas ir feļetons, kas apcer, kāpēc apustuli Pāvilu ordinācijas komisijām būtu jāatraida.
Based on Bill Britton`s classic; modified and expanded by Dean VanDruff.
MYSTERY BABYLON DENOMINATION
FOREIGN MISSIONS BOARD
To: Rev. Saul Paul
First Christian Church
Antioch, Syria
Dear Mr. Paul:
I have your application for missionary appointment before me, and will be as frank as possible concerning your qualifications as a foreign missionary. We have to be very careful in choosing our missionaries, and our Missions Board has reviewed your case thoroughly. We have decided that it would be unwise to send you to the foreign field for the following reasons:
1. It has come to our attention that you are doing secular work on the side. We do not feel that making tents and full time ministry go together very well. [1Th 2:9] It seems that you do not have enough experience in trusting the Lord for your income. You should make up your mind whether you want to preach or continue your profession.
2. Your previous actions have been very rash and unseemly for a minister. We learned that in a public meeting you opposed Dr. Simon Peter, an esteemed minister with a high reputation. [Ga 2:11-14] We also hear that you refused to compromise with other ministers such that a special council meeting had to be called in Jerusalem to prevent a serious split in the churches. [Ac 15:1-30] We frown on putting ideology before people. For your own good, I am enclosing a copy of Daius` Carnegus book on "How to Win Jews and Influence Greeks." [Ga 1:10, 1Th 2:4-6]
3. You have conflicted with mature Jewish brethren in nearly every city you have visited who simply want to encourage the converted Pagans to be properly circumcised. Mr. Paul, you must know that these men are our most learned sages with a deep sense of the roots and history of our faith. As well, and more importantly, these men control the synagogues you could be ministering in if you would simply tone down your dialog into a more friendly and respectful exchange. [Gal 5:2-12]
4. In checking back, we discovered your Christian education consisted of a three year course in Arabia. [Ga 1:15-20] We find that the Arabian school has not been approved by our accreditation board.
5. Further, you admit to being an unskilled public speaker. [2Co 10:10, 11:6] Paul, surely you must know that people expect fine elocution from men of God, and that as a denomination we stand for the highest levels of excellence in the pulpit. Yet instead of going to much-needed oratory classes you spend your time making tents instead. From your correspondence, you also appear to be spending a considerable amount of time writing letters to insignificant little "churches" that meet in homes. [Ac 28:3-6] Honestly now; do you really think that such misguided activities are what will lead to your success in the world of religion? We strongly suggest that you put down your tools and set aside your pen, and instead practice hand gestures, facial expressions, and voice modulation in front of a mirror for several hours a day until you come up to par.
6. It has come to our attention that you often emphasize "the power of God" and "the gifts of the Spirit." [1Co 2:3-5, 12:1-7] Also that you speak in tongues a great deal. [1Co 14:18] Surely you realize that such as this only drives off the better class of people, and attracts only the riff-raff. It would be better to tone down those more sensational forms of worship. You sound as though you are "off the deep end." [1Co 3:18]
7. It has been proven to our satisfaction that you had hands laid on you at Antioch with prophecy going forth, [Ac 13:1-3] with none of the Apostles or Headquarters brethren present to conduct this ordination service in the prescribed manner.
8. We see here that you have a jail record in several places. [2Co 11:23-27] If this is true, it puts you in a bad light, for our denomination has always stood for a high standard of civic responsibility. I fear it would damage our reputation to have someone representing us that had served time in jails and prisons. Frankly, Mr. Paul, we seriously doubt you could have been innocent and the judge wrong in so many cases. It just doesn`t look right.
9. It seems that you are a troublemaker, Mr. Paul. Several business men of Ephesus have written us that you were the cause of severe loss of business to them and stirred up a mob protest. You must learn to cultivate the friendship and influence of men and groups such as these. [Ac 16:16-22]
10. We also have some details of a shameful "over the wall in a basket" episode at Damascus, [2Co 11:30-33] plus a stoning at Lystra, and several other violent actions taken against your ministry. [2Ti 3:11] Haven`t you ever suspected that conciliatory behavior and gentler words might gain you more friends?
11. We have learned through channels that following some trouble with a preacher on the island of Cyprus, you began to allow yourself to be known by the Gentile pronunciation of your name rather than the proper Hebrew. [Ac 13:4-11] Yet another conflict, and then a name change. This does not seem to us to be conduct becoming to the ministry.
12. You admitted in your application that in the past you neglected such needy fields as Bithynia, just because "the Spirit didn`t lead that way," and that you undertook a hazardous journey on the strength of a dream you had at Troas. [Ac 16:6-10] Mr. Paul, surely you don`t expect us to go along with such flimsy and fantastic excuses for your seemingly purposeless wanderings.
13. Many times you did not stay long enough, in our opinion, to get a church properly established. You left your converts many times without even a pastor to guide them, and without setting the church in order in some good hierarchical denomination. [Ts 1:5]
14. We hear also from Troas that you preach too long, one sermon lasting almost twenty-four hours, even to the extent that a young man fell asleep and was seriously injured. [Ac 20:7-12] We understand that you claim to have restored his life and raised him from the dead by falling on him and embracing him. What nonsense! We need practical men in the ministry, Mr. Paul, not high strung emotional radicals. Our advice is for you to shorten your sermons considerably. We find that about twenty minutes is the longest a minister can hold the attention of his audience these days. Our motto is "Stand up, speak up, and shut up."
15. It is reported from your home church that you could not get along with your fellow ministers; that John Mark--a commendable young man and nephew of one of our highest leaders--had to leave your party in the middle of a journey; and that you had a sharp quarrel with gentle, good natured Barnabas. [Ac 15:36-40] Now these men are well thought of in Jerusalem and we wonder why you are always having trouble with your fellow workers?
16. We have notarized affidavits from four very popular and influential preachers: Diotrephes, Demas, Hymenaeus, and Alexander; to the effect that it is impossible for them to cooperate with either you or your program. [1Ti 1:20]
17. From what we hear, you seem to think that you have some direct sanction from on-high, boasting about your revelations and that God has chosen you to reveal some "Mystery". [Ep 3:3-4] Can`t you realize that any truth that is to be revealed would come through Headquarters to the recognized, established brethren, and that after it had been checked by our Procedure and Doctrine Committee that we would distribute it on to the field workers?
18. Finally, we hear that you claim to be an Apostle. We know nothing of this being passed upon by the proper authoritative channels and wonder how you could back that claim up, when the last Apostle was voted into office right here in Jerusalem. [Ac 1:26] Now that our denomination is firmly established, why do you imagine there would be any need for God to continue the Apostolic gifting?
As you see, Mr. Paul, we feel definitely after close scrutiny of your case, that you are undoubtedly the most unqualified applicant we have ever seen, and my advice for you is to find a church where you can work in harmony, and use your past education as perhaps a Sunday School teacher.
I hope I have prevented you from making a terrible mistake in your life.
Most sincerely yours,
J. Flavios Fluphehead, SECY |
janitis [91.200.66.80] |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.02.18 15:28:37
Noklaudz biezie ādas vāki-
Bībeli vai lasīt māki?
Ja avīzēs(tīmeklī) vien lūrēsi,
Elles vārtos stūrēsi.
J.Dreslers. |
Ērika  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.06 23:39:14
Kādam dievbijīgam vīram paliek 60 gadi. Abi ar sievu dzird Dieva balsi .
Dievs : " Jūs abi esi godbijīgi kristieši un tāpēc es sieva Tev vaicāju , ko tu gribi dāvināt savam vīram?"
Sieva brīdi padomā un saka " Biļeti uz kuģa braucienam apkārt pasaulei!"
Hops , sievai rokā parādās divas biļetes , viņai un vīram.
Tad Dievs vaicā vīram - "Ko tu gribi dāvanā no manis?"
" Nūū ... 30 gadus jaunāku sievu!"
Hops! Un vecim ir 90 gadi! |
Aivars |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.17 13:07:26
Liturģiskās komisijas sēde. Teologi iegrimuši diskusijās. Diskusija karsta, diena arī. Logs atvērts. Kaut kur aiz loga ēkas fasādi uzkopj krietnais Jēkabs, meistars visās lietās.
Teologs nr1: "Manuprāt, vispareizākā lūgšanas poza ir stāvus, paceltām rokām, sniedzoties pretī Dievam kā Tēvam.
Teologs nr2: "Lūgšanai jābūt pazemīgai. Nekas tik labi neizsaka pazemību tā Kunga priekšā, kā nomešanās uz ceļiem un galvas noduršana."
Teologs nr3: "No savas pieredzes varu teikt, ka vislabāk nodoties lūgšanām varu, kad nometos zemē izplestām rokām prātam neaptveramā Dieva priekšā, kas no pīšļiem mūs paceļ Savā žēlastībā."
Te atskan krietnā Jēkaba balss: "Kungi, lūdzu atvainot par iejaukšanos sarunā, bet neviļus dzirdot jūs runājam par šo aizraujošo tēmu, pārdomāju arī savu lūgšanu pieredzi, un, ziniet, reiz piedzīvoju tādu lūgšanas pārdzīvojumu, ka nespēju nepadalīties. Eku tas notika akurāt pirms četriem gadiem, kad tā sasodītā vētra te bija maķenīt jumtu pabojājusi. Ak, kungi, jūs pat nevarat iedomāties, cik viegli kāja slīd uz tāda skārda jumta, kad lietutiņš smidzina. Vēl šo baltu dieniņu nesaprotu, kā tas notika, bet vienā mirklī attapos, ka kāja iepinusies drošības virvē, bet pats ar galvu uz leju karājos 15 m virs zemes. Kungi, neticēsiet, bet TĀĀ LŪŪDZIES, AR TĀĀDU DEGSMI nevienā citā pozā ne reizes neesmu. |
Aivars |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.20 19:03:19
Šo laikam arī varētu klasificēt kā mazu anekdoti par CC (Christian Contemporary) jeb `kristīgās popmūzikas` žanra klišejām - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKmh-0E5BjU&feature=related
Tiesa, tekstā ir daži ārpusnormatīvas leksikas paraugi.
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Aivars |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.22 09:42:11
Kur te pazuda Bitukas aņuks? |
sica. [78.84.129.125] |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.22 10:46:44
Sēž īri krogā tieši pretī bordelim.
Sēž, dzer alu un redz, ka gar bordeli iet kāds luterāņu mācītājs un iegriežas iekšā... Īri sāk savā starpā runāt, kādi tie luterāņi ir perversi un ļauni...
Tā viņi iedzer vēl pa alum un redz kā gar bordeli iet kāds baptistu mācītājs un arī iegriežas iekšā... Īri atkal sāk runāt, kādi baptiski ir briesmīgi kristieši un tikai runā skaisti, bet paši pa bordeļiem...
Tā viņi sēž vēl kādu laiku līdz gar bordeli iet kāds katoļu priesteris un tāpat ieiet iekšā... Īri klusējot saskatās, norausta plecus un nosaka - Droši vien kāds nomiris... |
Voldemārs  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.23 13:32:21
Meita: Mamm, es redzēju kristīgu zirgu.
Mamma: Kāpēc tu domā, ka tas bija kristīgs?
Meita: Viņš bija ļoti bēdīgs. |
bitukas  |
# Labojis bitukas: 2010.04.24 16:34:15
Aivar
Man nebija aņuks, bet gan norāde uz "kristīgo" mūziku, kas realitātē vēl jocīgāka, kā tā parodija uz ko, Tu, norādīji. Pats izdzēsu, jo nodomāju: moš kādu aizvainos. Bet aņuku var.
Ebrejam nomirst sieva un šis paliek ar zīdaini uz rokām. Viņš lūdz Dievu un viņa krūtīs parādās piens. Kaimiņi (arī ebreji) apspriež: varēja taču Dievs dot kaut kādā veidā naudu, lai nolīgtu zīdītāju. Beigās secina - ja var darīt brīnumu, kāpēc riskēt ar naudu!!! |
Svētais  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.26 13:16:33
Satiekas divi forumieši. Apspriež ticības jautājumus. Viens saka: Man piedāvāja kļūt par kristieti, tādu kā Svētais vai Mulders! Otrs atbild: traks esi, nekad un ne par kādu naudu! Pirmais saka : tad ir risks ar laiku palikt par tādiem neticīgajiem kā Ctulhu vai Masiks. Otrs iesaucas : tad jau labāk būt par kristiešiem - vismaz par tādiem kā Vilks vai Aivars! .
P.S. Lūdzu nevienu neapgrēcināties, ja . Nekā personīga! . Ja kāds iebilst, tad varu izdzēst . |
Saulespuķe  |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.26 16:25:46
PALDIES par šo tēmu - izsmējos riktīgi! Cik labi, ka paši varam par sevi pasmiet! Daži joki gan stipri velk uz patiesību - kā Voldemāra rakstītais aņuks--> "kristietis=bēdīgs"...
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Aivars |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.26 18:54:39
Viens svētais aiziet bļitkot. Uzmanīgi pārbauda ledu, cik tas izturīgs, tad noliek rīku kasti, saberzē rokas, piepūš vaigus, ņem urbi un nu tik būs urbt, kad atskan skaļi dimdoša balss: `Te zivju nav! Beidz plosīties!" Pārsteigtais zivju bende gan galvu nedaudz plecos ierāvis paceļ acis uz augšu, vaicādams: "Tas esi Tu, Kungs? Es tik kādu breksīti gribēju." Kā atbilde nodārd: "Esmu Anatolijs Kreipāns. Beidz postīt ledu un tin makšķeri, breksīt! Pēc stundas hallē spēle sākas." |
sica . [78.84.130.97] |
# Iesūtīts: 2010.04.26 20:48:49
Labs par Toļiku ::: uuuuu apsmējos un aizmetu šamam |
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